Running Thoughts

Something is off and I don’t know where to go to let it out. I have spoken with a friend about it and it was brushed off. Wasn’t the friend I should have gone to but needed to get it out.  Either way it didn’t make me feel better…

So I turn here without writing anything for well over a year. Still can’t remember the last post I had. But this one will be filled with rambling because I just need to write some shit while I think.  This should actually be written in my journal for my counselor to read but I needed something new.

My brain won’t shut off. I have not slipped into my depressive stat (yet) but I feel like it is coming. I know what I need to do to get over it: be in the moment, identify my feelings, own my feelings, FEEL my feelings,…

That last one is the tricky one. It’s the hardest on the list. By feeling my feelings, I feel the hurt. And honestly why would someone want to feel that over and over again?!?! Idk. I guess it’s suppose to help but I can’t seem to get to that point.

I just wish I knew what was wrong with me. I’m a good person. Caring, loyal, forgiving. I communicate, show love and am committed to those I care about.

I love those that are in my life, supporting me and loving me. Do not mistake this as me saying I have no one, because I do. And I am grateful!

But I still feel alone. I still feel hurt. I feel….. It’s painful.


The Unseen Enemy 

I have depression. 

How many of us would freely admit that? My guess is it would be very many people. Whether it’s family or friends or because of your job, so many people make excuses for why they won’t get help when they absolutely need it. I’m here to tell you it’s been the greatest thing I have ever done for ME! 

 You are the most important person in your life. It’s not your kids or your significant other. It’s YOU. I still have a hard time accepting that concept but it’s true. Without you, you can’t be there for your kids or your significant other (or whoever you think is the most important person in your life). 

I’ve struggled with depression my entire life. Not feeling good enough for anyone I come in contact with. Not feeling good enough for the job I do or my children. The fact that I’m wrong is a hard pill to swallow. I feel like I’m never wrong but I’m wrong about how I view myself. 

I see a counselor. I’m not afraid to say it. I’ve learned a lot about myself and have become a better person for it. I’m a work-in-progress still though. We’re getting to those “tough” areas where its going to take a lot of time and an incredible amount of work to get through. But I AM working towards being even better. 

A few things I can admit (that I couldn’t a year and a half ago): I’m a good father. I’m a good person. I love more than most people can love. I have anxiety. I am depressed. I have ZERO patience. I am flawed but God loves me. I am here for a purpose, even if I don’t know what that purpose is. 

My point is, seeking help is not a bad thing. In fact, it is the best thing you can do for yourself if you need it. The stigma of mental health needs to STOP! We need to understand that people need help sometimes and we need to accomodate those people. The signs might not always be clear but they’re there. You just have to look deeper into every person and genuinely care about that person to see the signs. It could save a life. 

I’m huge into the VFW and my concern has always been Veterans. But it’s not just them. It’s not just those in the crazy house. More than likely, someone very close to you is suffering in ways you have no idea about. And that’s ok. They just need you to understand that they have issues. They need help. And you might need to be the person that they need to push them in the right direction. 

If you or someone you know needs help, please contact me directly or the suicide hotline at 800-273-8255. 

The Worst Thing In Life

The Worst/hardest thing in life is knowing you are the cause of your kids’ pain. There is no dispute on this if you ask me.

Being the reason your kids are crying is like taking a full knife to your chest trying to cut out your heart. It is awful. It is painfull for everyone involved. It is the absolute worst feeling you could possibly have. It fucking sucks.

Tonight I had to tell my kids that their mom and dad are not going to be married anymore and it completely broke my heart. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but it was a billion times harder than I would have thought it would have been, and I expected the worst….

To see my babies cry was awful. Knowing it was me (and their mom) made it even worse. I hate when my babies are sick or sad or in any kind of pain. It is the hard for me to feel helpless. I was helpless in this situation too but I still feel like shit.

They are innocent. They didn’t have anything to do with this. They are my world. They have been the only thing I have been able to think about since all this started. And yet I couldn’t help them. I couldn’t make it better. I know it’s not my fault but it still hurts. It cuts so deep.

I just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep. I think I’ll drink for a bit instead.

I’m Back!

Hello fellow bloggers!  I’m sorry for not posting in a while.  I’ve been having a lot go on in my life and have had some SERIOUS writers block.  So bad that I have started 3 or 4 posts with really good ideas, opened the page, and completely went blank on what I wanted to say and the direction that I was going.  I even tried forcing myself by just typing but that didn’t even work.

But I’m back now and hopefully have some good stuff for you.  I want to focus on a lot of the stories from my Navy days.  They are my favorites stories and every time I reminise about them I miss spending that time with the best guys I’ve ever known.  Plus, this will put them out there to be ingrained forever on the internet (I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I’m gonna do it anyways!).

Anyways, I wanted to give you a little update on what has been going on since my last “real” post, although I still love Zebras!  I have since come to a much better place.  I am working again and it is a GREAT job.  It is with the company that I had my accident with, but the company has changed drasitcally in the last year and is much more stable.  It is also a very improved working environment.  Not only that, but I’M A MANAGER!!!!  That definitely blew me away when I came to that realization.

The reason I was weirded out by a manager title is that it is such a “grown up” role.  I’m an adult with a key possition in the company.  I didn’t think I would be ready for this at my age, but I am and I’m loving it! I have a lot of work to do to get things operating smoothly (and correctly) here, but I am so happy to be back doing what I enjoy doing.  Not to mention that I’m making more money! 😀

I’m glad to be back and I’m hoping to get you guys some stories from my “Glory Days” haha.  Thanks as always for sticking with my guys!  Enjoy your weekend!

Zebras and Life

I’ve been trying to think about a post for about 3 weeks now.  Then last Wednesday/Thursday came and I was sure about what I was going to write about. I didn’t write it.  Maybe I didn’t want to admit it.  Maybe I just didn’t sound like a crying, whining little bitch.  Maybe I just got lazy and didn’t feel like writing.

The post was going to be about the last month of my life.  How I quit a job I liked over petty (but justified) shit.  How I hated my new job with a passion as much as I’ve ever had in a very long time.  How I worked my ass off and yet still was made to feel like I was doing a shitty job.  Then my washing machine broke at a time when I literally had $0 in the ol bank account.  I went to buy a new (used) one and on the way home got a call from my recruiter telling me I was “getting laid off”.  How that night, the boiler in my house went out and it was colder inside my house Thursday than it was outside.

I decided not to write (in-depth) about these things and my state of mind.

Yesterday I though about writing about depression and my views on it.  I was going to write that I’m too practical to slip into depression… or so I thought.  I was going to write about how I don’t even know what I’m thinking and that my mind has been racing for the better part of a year about all bad things.

I decided not to write about that.

I don’t want you to feel bad for me about these things as they are just a part of life (I guess).

Instead, I’m going to write about zebras.  I fucking love zebras.  Not as much as I love monkeys, but zebras are fucking cool.  They are black AND white and they look like horses.  Everyone loves horses.  Zebras are just black and white wild horses.  They are pretty fuckin cool if you ask me.

Now you might be wondering why I decided to talk about the these incredibly cool fuckin creatures.  Well, last night I was at Micah’s house drinking Irish Car Bombs and Guinness in the celebration of the great Irishness of us all on St. Paddy’s Day (weekend).  We were talking about our friendship and his post from earlier last week (  We’ve been best friends for just over 2 years now, but it seems like its been a lot longer.

Then came up one night that he and my brothers were over.  Micah and I were drinking Jameson and I got pretty hammered.  I was trying to send a tweet but just couldn’t do it.  I was staring at my tablet for a solid 5 minutes and my brother decided to try and say random things to me to see if I even knew what was going on.  My one brother yelled out “Zebras” and without missing a beat, I said, “I fucking LOVE zebras.”

It was a great memory that I can’t believe I even remember.  These are the things I am trying to think of to keep my head up in this extremely tough moment of my life.  Memories of my kids, family and friends are getting me through at the moment.  Trying to create new memories and keep my head up.  I’m praying things get better and working hard to make things easier.  For now, I will have to keep pushing by remembering that zebras are fucking awesome.