Deep in the ocean Poseidon awaits

Trident in hand ready to deal my fate

Can’t breath  underwater so I’m holding my breath

I’m starting to realize that there ain’t nothing left

The last few months has been something awful. It’s hard for me to go into detail here as I have too many people that know me and I haven’t made anything really public yet. Maybe I’ll just start another blog and try to let my followers know somehow. Maybe I should just stop blogging since I don’t really  keep it up like I should. Or maybe I just say fuck it and not care who reads what and what they have to say about it.

For those of you  who might read this and do know what is going on, I just ask you again for some prayers for me. Getting through this is 1) something I never thought I’d have to do and 2) way harder than I could ever imagine.

Life is an interesting ride. I really need to stop fighting it and just enjoy it. I use to do that but it has gotten harder over the years. I need to get back to that place. I need to just enjoy life and be thankful for the things I do have and what I have control over (this is what counseling is supposed to be helping me with. Too early to tell if it’s working or not). Maybe if I say it  enough it will be true.

Until next time….

Feelings – Part 1

Laying here

Lonely and cold

Heated by anger

Freezing alone

Head’s not spinning

At least for the moment

The mistakes that I’ve made?

At least I can own it

Run away like a child?

No. I’m an adult and confront it

There’s nothing more to say

And the only thing to do

Is make plans for the future

With or without you

Gangsters, Athletes, and Rappers

What do mobsters, athletes and rappers have in common?

Ok. That’s a dumb question. Most rappers think they are gangsters and hang out/mention athletes.

In relation to me, however, those are the 3 things I have always wanted to be when I grow up.

“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.” – Henry Hill, Goodfellas

This line has explained my life forever. I don’t remember the first time I wanted that life, but it has been for as long as I can remember, just like Henry Hill. The Godfather Part II is my favorite movie of all time. Followed closely by The Godfather and Goodfellas as 3 and 3a (my 2nd favorite movie is The Princess Bride. It is the most well rounded movie and will ALWAYS make me feel better. I can watch that movie any day, anytime, anywhere).

Ok. Back to being a goodfella. I’m  not talking about saggy pants, hat cocked sideways, throwing up gang signs (although I do/have done all of those things but that’s another story). I’m talking about $3,000 suits, money rolls from  collecting gambling debts, and having rule over your city. I know this is all glorified in the movies, but if you read up on things from the  actual Henry Hill or Al Capone, it really isn’t “glorified” as much as you may expect. Was there a lot of death and jail and bad things happening? Of course. But I’m oddly at piece with this. It truly doesn’t bother me. I would do it all to have that life.

Now on to being a rapper.  Let me start by saying I LOVE music. All kinds of music. I will listen to ANYTHING and have very few artists/genres I refuse to listen to. I love it all. My favorite (99% of the time because my taste fluxuates by the day sometimes) is rap. I love it for the play on words. The rhyming (or poetry. As you can tell I enjoy that from previous posts).  The way that you can say whatever the fuck you  want and hundreds of thousands of people will cheer. Again, it is also a lavish lifestyle, but this is the one dream job that I wouldn’t care as much about the money. Rhyming/poetry is my favorite form of expression. It is also the only dream job that  I still have a shot at living out, however unlikely it is.

As for being an athlete, one of the hardest days of my life was the day my football career ended. I was a senior in HS. I didn’t get injured and end my “career” that way. I’m just 5’7″ that isn’t very fast and kind of stocky. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. I still go to my brother’s games and have a hard time the first few games watching these kids play.  I love high school  football though. In my opinion, it is the purest sport that is played. The love and heart that goes out under the lights every Friday night is 2nd to none. I miss that. I miss the smell that is in the air in early September when you walk out onto that field. I miss it so much and wish I could have played more than  just 10 years.

I am trying to work my way into coaching now. I am currently helping with the scoreboard at games and filling in on away broadcasts.  I will always be around the sport, but it’s just not the  same as playing.

Well, that’s all I have for today.  The kids were watching tv and I was incredibly bored. Time to put them to bed. I hope you liked the little lighthearted look into my life.