I have made the decision to focus on myself. I’m not doing to well to start off, but I’m determined. It’s been an awful 2 years and I need to become a better person. Whether everything I have been through is 100% my fault of not, the fact of the matter is, I am still at fault. I need to be better for me. I’m not a person who is good at focusing on me. I am someone who always puts others before myself. I take on their pain in hopes that they can have some relief. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t bare that weight. I have gotten to the point where I’m not sure how much of my own weight I can bare.
I decided to get the help that I believe that I need. I am too much of a realist thinker. I see a situation and analyze it and (think) I know how to deal with it. I don’t. I can’t know the answers anymore. Not because the situation doesn’t make sense to me (because, believe me, it makes no sense in my head), but because I’m just not equipped to deal with it. I need help to deal with my shit. This has been a very difficult realization to come to that I can’t fix it.
I started seeing a counselor last week and I have to say that I am very excited to go back this week. I desperately need to feel like myself again. The biggest problem is, I don’t know who myself is anymore. It hasn’t just been 2 years of not feeling like myself and me being unhappy, but the last 2 years have been hell.
I do not feel very good about myself and I have really been a disappointment. No one should go through life feeling this way; so I decided to make a change. If nothing else, I will be happy to just figure out things about me. We’ll see how it goes.