Going Through Changes – Eminem

So this is kind of how I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t need comments of “keep your head up” or “you’ll get through it” or whatever. I just need to post this somewhere.

This is might be the most honest thing I’ve ever posted though.

Enjoy.

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Zebras and Life

I’ve been trying to think about a post for about 3 weeks now.  Then last Wednesday/Thursday came and I was sure about what I was going to write about. I didn’t write it.  Maybe I didn’t want to admit it.  Maybe I just didn’t sound like a crying, whining little bitch.  Maybe I just got lazy and didn’t feel like writing.

The post was going to be about the last month of my life.  How I quit a job I liked over petty (but justified) shit.  How I hated my new job with a passion as much as I’ve ever had in a very long time.  How I worked my ass off and yet still was made to feel like I was doing a shitty job.  Then my washing machine broke at a time when I literally had $0 in the ol bank account.  I went to buy a new (used) one and on the way home got a call from my recruiter telling me I was “getting laid off”.  How that night, the boiler in my house went out and it was colder inside my house Thursday than it was outside.

I decided not to write (in-depth) about these things and my state of mind.

Yesterday I though about writing about depression and my views on it.  I was going to write that I’m too practical to slip into depression… or so I thought.  I was going to write about how I don’t even know what I’m thinking and that my mind has been racing for the better part of a year about all bad things.

I decided not to write about that.

I don’t want you to feel bad for me about these things as they are just a part of life (I guess).

Instead, I’m going to write about zebras.  I fucking love zebras.  Not as much as I love monkeys, but zebras are fucking cool.  They are black AND white and they look like horses.  Everyone loves horses.  Zebras are just black and white wild horses.  They are pretty fuckin cool if you ask me.

Now you might be wondering why I decided to talk about the these incredibly cool fuckin creatures.  Well, last night I was at Micah’s house drinking Irish Car Bombs and Guinness in the celebration of the great Irishness of us all on St. Paddy’s Day (weekend).  We were talking about our friendship and his post from earlier last week (http://whatthemicah.wordpress.com/2014/03/13/anti-social-media/).  We’ve been best friends for just over 2 years now, but it seems like its been a lot longer.

Then came up one night that he and my brothers were over.  Micah and I were drinking Jameson and I got pretty hammered.  I was trying to send a tweet but just couldn’t do it.  I was staring at my tablet for a solid 5 minutes and my brother decided to try and say random things to me to see if I even knew what was going on.  My one brother yelled out “Zebras” and without missing a beat, I said, “I fucking LOVE zebras.”

It was a great memory that I can’t believe I even remember.  These are the things I am trying to think of to keep my head up in this extremely tough moment of my life.  Memories of my kids, family and friends are getting me through at the moment.  Trying to create new memories and keep my head up.  I’m praying things get better and working hard to make things easier.  For now, I will have to keep pushing by remembering that zebras are fucking awesome.

I Hope I Can Handle Tomorrow

I’m too nice and too trusting.

Let me tell you guys, it’s frustrating.

I wanna believe everything everybody says.

After 27 years, it’s really fuckin with my head.

My friend(s) will tell you I’m an asshole.

Truth is, I’m meek and I don’t like trouble.

The world is large and I’m just a spec

And that’s exactly how I feel

I don’t even want to know what’s next.

What does tomorrow bring?

I don’t want to care.

I’m just trying to get through today

Because it’s about as much as I can bare.