Who Are You?

To follow up on my last post, I have had a revelation.  In hindsight, it really is a quite simple revelation to be honest and I am not sure why it has taken this long to come to realize it.

For the better part of the last year, I have been trying to figure out how I can be more of the “real me”.  While this is a lot harder to accomplish than I had thought, the answer is equally as difficult.  Although (I’ve been told) I appear to be “real”, I think we’ve established that I am not.

To be the real you, you need to know who you REALLY are!  How much simpler of an answer is there?!?

The fact is, there isn’t a simpler answer.  However, knowing who you really are is a lot harder question to answer.  You have to be truthful to yourself about yourself that you don’t want to know about yourself.

Sounds confusing?  Well it’s not.  It’s just hard to admit to yourself things you’ve done, feelings you have, and secrets we keep from ourselves.  When something bad happens to us, we suppress the memory.  Well not all suppressed memories are necessarily “bad”.  They are just things that we may be embarrassed about, regrets, or do not conform with societal norms.

The simple fact is, in order to BE ourselves, we have to KNOW ourselves; and the only way to know ourselves is to be HONEST with the only person that matters: YOU!

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I’m Not As Strong As I Appear

I have had a post stuck in my head for several weeks now.  I have been trying to find the right way to write it and the right time to post it.

This is not that post.

This post is about being able to be “you”.  With all of the social media outlets (Facebook, Twitter, blogs, ect.) and all of your family, friends, and acquaintances, how much of our time is spent wording something to appease others?  Or not posting things we REALLY think because someone will see it and might take offence to it?

Recently, I have seen a lot of tweets and blog post about people who still won’t post their real feelings or say what’s exactly on their mind because they are afraid either work, a friend or family members may see it and they don’t want to hear it from them.

I am guilty of the same thing.  There have been lots of things that I have wanted to say, but just can’t.  I mean I physically can say those things, but I like my relationships the way they are.  I don’t want to cause any waves on the sea that I have created in my life.

I was thinking of this exact post when I was in the City last weekend.  As you may know, I have a friend at work who is gay.  He has become a very good friend that will listen when I need to talk and vise versa.  While I was downtown, a transgender approached me in the store and it sparked a thought that I have been unable to get out of my head since.

The amount of courage it takes for someone to tell their family and friends that they are not heterosexual is astonishing to me.  I have always found myself to be a “strong” individual (although, this is the image that I have worked very hard to attain but in fact is very far from the truth) and I couldn’t imagine coming forth to people with this information.

To me, these are people some of the “strongest” people.  My friend from work will always tell me how big of a baby he is, or he’s just another weakling, or that him coming out wasn’t a sign of strength, but I would have to strongly disagree.

My hat is of to you ladies and gentlemen.

So my question is, are you really able to be you?  Are you, in your own form, 100% you all of the time?

My answer to those questions are “no”.

Maybe one day I can say yes to them but just not today.

The Dark Is Just Behind Me

To say the least, this was one of my most rollercoster years in the 27 trips I’ve taken around on this rock.  I feel like I’ve hit every low I possibly could followed by some ups along the way.

I had my 27th birthday a few weeks ago.  I know I’m not that old and, in fact, I’m not at all.  I am actually quite young.  This post isn’t about turning another year older, though.  Although, I do feel like this year has added more than a year to my life.

Really the last few years have been difficult and I keep thinking to myself “January 1st! Things will be better this year! I just know it! I declare this “The year of Rocco” (see George from Seinfeld with modifications.  It didn’t work out for him so I don’t know why I thought it would be different for me).”  It has not been the year of Rocco.  It has never been “The Year of Rocco.”

I think that some people just aren’t lucky enough to have things go right for them.  I don’t know if this is the case or if some people just seem to make the best of everything.  Either way, I feel like my life has been STRESSFUL and I’m only 27.

The hardest time for me was in early spring.  Actually, half of February and all of March was the worst of it.  I lost my job, went back to work for them, fell off a ladder and broke my arm and split my nose wide open, along with some other personal issues.  It was rough to say the least.  I was in the most physical AND emotional pain I have ever been in in my life.

I’ve mostly gotten over a lot of it.  I still have some terrible flashbacks from falling and just feel like I want to cry when I remember that time that was not so long ago.  However, I don’t cry.  I haven’t been able to for years now.  On day I just wasn’t able to.  So now I just have to deal with it.

Since the end of May things have been somewhat better.  I’ve been working again (which is good but I have a lot of problems with the situation that may be written in a different post at a later date), my family is healthy and I’m kind of back on track with my bills.  Hopefully things are back on the right track for me.

I’m going to make the added effort to believe that I can make my own luck.  I’m going to believe that I will MAKE next year MY year.  I’m going to work on my possitive thoughts so that I can stop thinking of “the darkness”.  I’m going to be a better me.