I have never really thought of myself as being a person who could become depressed. I have always thought of myself as level-headed. I still do. I know that the thoughts that I am thinking are outrageous and ridiculous and it drives me crazy that I cannot get them out of my fucking head.
If you know me (which I’m sure the very few people who will ever read this post don’t), you know that I am a pretty “funny” or “laid back” guy. Of course this is all an illusion as most people who are funny or always smiling are hiding the fact that they are miserable for the most part. I wouldn’t say I’m miserable. I’m not even sure if I’m unhappy. I feel like a baby or a wuss if I feel like life is too much.
This all stems from how you grew up and the environment you were in. Not all environments you grew up in were someone else’s doing (i.e. your parents). A lot of it was my own. I decided to play football. I chose the friends that I had (most of which were self-destructive). I am sure that I am the way that I am mostly because of me.
However, I have no idea why I feel the way that I do sometimes. I’ve talked to a shrink and we didn’t get anywhere. I felt like it was the stereotypical “how was your relationship with your father?” It sucked. We don’t get a long most of the time. Why am I paying you $100/hr for you to ask me questions I ask myself and already know the answer to?
Anyways, that’s not the point. The point is, all people have problems. Why are there ones that just stick and the scar never subsides at all? Why do I feel like one minute the world is just fine then the next I want to set it on fire and let all you fucks burn in hell?
Relate: sometimes I get a little emotionally graphic.
I sometimes look up symptoms to mental diseases and pretend that I know how to diagnose myself. I think all of us do. Then I get mad at myself for even thinking that something is wrong with me.
I’m a wuss. A stupid little wuss.
Maybe it was my dad. Maybe it’s just all in my fucked up head. Maybe it is just all normal and I need to relax. But one thing I know is that there are certain things that just won’t go away and I don’t know what to do with myself.
But that’s just life I guess.