The Easiest Thing I Ever Did

The easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life was be a father. But not just a father to a kid when I was at a young age. Not a father to my own (biological) kid. I took in a little girl that didn’t have a dad. I was her dad. And I’ve been her dad for a long fucking time.

I changed her diapers. I fed her food. I pulled her teeth when they were loose. I was there when she cried and cried with her. I was there when she laughed and laughed with her. I was there when she she got her first “A” and there when she got her first “C” (she’s really smart and gets great grades). I was fucking there.

I love her more than she may ever realise. I love her because I CHOSE HER. I WANTED to be her dad. I wanted the responsibility. I wanted HER to be MY child. I love her so fucking much.

I chose to be here father. The man in her life. The person she looks to when she needs to know when what a man needs to be for her to look forward to and treat her.

I feel like I’ve failed her. I feel like she doesn’t understand that. All I want is for her to know that she is MY baby and I love her. But I feel like I’ve failed her.

Stinky, I love you more than words can ever express. I pray for you, try to guide you, and want to be there for you. I just want you to know that, above all things, I love you.

I love being a father. Not just a father but A DAD. It means the world to me. More than any job, any friend, or any other situation I might be in. The proudest thing I can be called is is DAD.

I miss my babies and I just hope they know I love them. Unconditionally. They are my world and all I want to do is give you everything you deserve. Which is not than I can offer. But I try. Don’t ever forget me or think I don’t love you because I truly do. You are ALL my everything.

Love,

Dad

How I’m feeling

It’s amazing what the Joker brought to us

Total caos. Complete destruction.

What someone feels when they are hurting and no one gives a fuck about them

It’s easy to see where he’s coming from

Even tho we know he’s wrong

There was someone in me that was excited for him to see the world burn

I can understand the protesters

Although, I think there was a much bigger issue of mental illness

Michael Cain said that “some people just want to see the world burn”

And I can see that

And that’s fucked up. It’s wrong. And I know that

But it’s true. I hate everything. I’m posed off and I don’t want anything or anyone to be happy

I’m what wrong with the universe

I’m what’s wrong everything

I’m not about to shoot everyone up

But I may kill myself

It’s crazy

Life is dumb

What is living when there’s no way out?!?

It’s about being remembered

But no one wants to hear about that.

So o guys I’ll just keep going (for some reason)

Running Thoughts

Something is off and I don’t know where to go to let it out. I have spoken with a friend about it and it was brushed off. Wasn’t the friend I should have gone to but needed to get it out.  Either way it didn’t make me feel better…

So I turn here without writing anything for well over a year. Still can’t remember the last post I had. But this one will be filled with rambling because I just need to write some shit while I think.  This should actually be written in my journal for my counselor to read but I needed something new.

My brain won’t shut off. I have not slipped into my depressive stat (yet) but I feel like it is coming. I know what I need to do to get over it: be in the moment, identify my feelings, own my feelings, FEEL my feelings,…

That last one is the tricky one. It’s the hardest on the list. By feeling my feelings, I feel the hurt. And honestly why would someone want to feel that over and over again?!?! Idk. I guess it’s suppose to help but I can’t seem to get to that point.

I just wish I knew what was wrong with me. I’m a good person. Caring, loyal, forgiving. I communicate, show love and am committed to those I care about.

I love those that are in my life, supporting me and loving me. Do not mistake this as me saying I have no one, because I do. And I am grateful!

But I still feel alone. I still feel hurt. I feel….. It’s painful.

The Unseen Enemy

I have depression. 

How many of us would freely admit that? My guess is it would be very many people. Whether it’s family or friends or because of your job, so many people make excuses for why they won’t get help when they absolutely need it. I’m here to tell you it’s been the greatest thing I have ever done for ME! 

 You are the most important person in your life. It’s not your kids or your significant other. It’s YOU. I still have a hard time accepting that concept but it’s true. Without you, you can’t be there for your kids or your significant other (or whoever you think is the most important person in your life). 

I’ve struggled with depression my entire life. Not feeling good enough for anyone I come in contact with. Not feeling good enough for the job I do or my children. The fact that I’m wrong is a hard pill to swallow. I feel like I’m never wrong but I’m wrong about how I view myself. 

I see a counselor. I’m not afraid to say it. I’ve learned a lot about myself and have become a better person for it. I’m a work-in-progress still though. We’re getting to those “tough” areas where its going to take a lot of time and an incredible amount of work to get through. But I AM working towards being even better. 

A few things I can admit (that I couldn’t a year and a half ago): I’m a good father. I’m a good person. I love more than most people can love. I have anxiety. I am depressed. I have ZERO patience. I am flawed but God loves me. I am here for a purpose, even if I don’t know what that purpose is. 

My point is, seeking help is not a bad thing. In fact, it is the best thing you can do for yourself if you need it. The stigma of mental health needs to STOP! We need to understand that people need help sometimes and we need to accomodate those people. The signs might not always be clear but they’re there. You just have to look deeper into every person and genuinely care about that person to see the signs. It could save a life. 

I’m huge into the VFW and my concern has always been Veterans. But it’s not just them. It’s not just those in the crazy house. More than likely, someone very close to you is suffering in ways you have no idea about. And that’s ok. They just need you to understand that they have issues. They need help. And you might need to be the person that they need to push them in the right direction. 

If you or someone you know needs help, please contact me directly or the suicide hotline at 800-273-8255. 

The Worst Thing In Life

The Worst/hardest thing in life is knowing you are the cause of your kids’ pain. There is no dispute on this if you ask me.

Being the reason your kids are crying is like taking a full knife to your chest trying to cut out your heart. It is awful. It is painfull for everyone involved. It is the absolute worst feeling you could possibly have. It fucking sucks.

Tonight I had to tell my kids that their mom and dad are not going to be married anymore and it completely broke my heart. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but it was a billion times harder than I would have thought it would have been, and I expected the worst….

To see my babies cry was awful. Knowing it was me (and their mom) made it even worse. I hate when my babies are sick or sad or in any kind of pain. It is the hard for me to feel helpless. I was helpless in this situation too but I still feel like shit.

They are innocent. They didn’t have anything to do with this. They are my world. They have been the only thing I have been able to think about since all this started. And yet I couldn’t help them. I couldn’t make it better. I know it’s not my fault but it still hurts. It cuts so deep.

I just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep. I think I’ll drink for a bit instead.

A New Chapter

So last night was the end of a very long chapter of my life and I am being forced to close it.  My emotions on the end of this story are mixed, but I’m trying my hardest to just take it all in stride.  I’m not prepared to give out too much detail on the situation, but it is time for me to move on.  It is time for me to start writing a new story, even if I am being forced to.

It is not my decision to start this new journey, but I am determined to make it better than the last.  I am determined to make myself better and do better by the people that are in my life.  Hopefully I can be rewarded for my efforts if nothing else.  I am going to just take one day at a time and see what life brings me.  I may not succeed in this line of thinking, but I can promise that I will try and consciously make that decision every morning.

So to those who have bore my pain with me over the last year, I cannot thank you enough.  You all know who you are and I love you from the bottom of my heart.  You mean the world to me and you know that I would do anything for you guys.  You are my family, blood or not, and family means the world to me.  Your support is unparalleled to any other and I am very grateful.

Alone In Defeat

For those of you who don’t know, over the last 11 months, I have become extremely involved in my local VFW. It is an orginization that I feel very passionate about and believe in. I also know that it is hurting for members. The biggest issue with any Veteran orginztion is that it is led by the “old men” (meaning Vietnam/Korean Vets). 11 months ago, I set out to change that.

2 months ago, I was approached by a group of people that wanted me to take over as Sr. Vice Commander. This person is 2nd in charge of the Post but his/her main responsability is bringing in new members. It wasn’t a knock on the current SVC but this is the reason I made the decision the become more active. The VFW needed more Iraq/Afgan Veterans to be more active in this orginization. I am the youngest (active) memeber and the roll fit perfectly. I gladly accepted.

Tonight was election night. I thought that the group that approached me had “stacked” the room in my favor and some good changes could be made. I lost the by majority vote. It was also the only position that needed a “ballot” to vote for.

I am crushed.

The only thing that makes this loss hurt more is I have no one to “share” it with. The one person I wanted to call/talk to about this doesn’t want to be close to me. The one person I want to cry to about having to wait (at least) another year doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.

I feel so alone right now. I feel like I have no one anymore. I feel like even if I had won, I would feel the same way because I would. This moment in my life means nothing because I don’t have the a person to share it with and that hurts the most.

I guess I’ll have to learn to accept that this is the way it is and find a way to deal with these situations by myself. This is not the way I invisioned this to happen in my life.

Deep in the ocean Poseidon awaits

Trident in hand ready to deal my fate

Can’t breath  underwater so I’m holding my breath

I’m starting to realize that there ain’t nothing left

The last few months has been something awful. It’s hard for me to go into detail here as I have too many people that know me and I haven’t made anything really public yet. Maybe I’ll just start another blog and try to let my followers know somehow. Maybe I should just stop blogging since I don’t really  keep it up like I should. Or maybe I just say fuck it and not care who reads what and what they have to say about it.

For those of you  who might read this and do know what is going on, I just ask you again for some prayers for me. Getting through this is 1) something I never thought I’d have to do and 2) way harder than I could ever imagine.

Life is an interesting ride. I really need to stop fighting it and just enjoy it. I use to do that but it has gotten harder over the years. I need to get back to that place. I need to just enjoy life and be thankful for the things I do have and what I have control over (this is what counseling is supposed to be helping me with. Too early to tell if it’s working or not). Maybe if I say it  enough it will be true.

Until next time….

Feelings – Part 1

Laying here

Lonely and cold

Heated by anger

Freezing alone

Head’s not spinning

At least for the moment

The mistakes that I’ve made?

At least I can own it

Run away like a child?

No. I’m an adult and confront it

There’s nothing more to say

And the only thing to do

Is make plans for the future

With or without you

Gangsters, Athletes, and Rappers

What do mobsters, athletes and rappers have in common?

Ok. That’s a dumb question. Most rappers think they are gangsters and hang out/mention athletes.

In relation to me, however, those are the 3 things I have always wanted to be when I grow up.

“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.” – Henry Hill, Goodfellas

This line has explained my life forever. I don’t remember the first time I wanted that life, but it has been for as long as I can remember, just like Henry Hill. The Godfather Part II is my favorite movie of all time. Followed closely by The Godfather and Goodfellas as 3 and 3a (my 2nd favorite movie is The Princess Bride. It is the most well rounded movie and will ALWAYS make me feel better. I can watch that movie any day, anytime, anywhere).

Ok. Back to being a goodfella. I’m  not talking about saggy pants, hat cocked sideways, throwing up gang signs (although I do/have done all of those things but that’s another story). I’m talking about $3,000 suits, money rolls from  collecting gambling debts, and having rule over your city. I know this is all glorified in the movies, but if you read up on things from the  actual Henry Hill or Al Capone, it really isn’t “glorified” as much as you may expect. Was there a lot of death and jail and bad things happening? Of course. But I’m oddly at piece with this. It truly doesn’t bother me. I would do it all to have that life.

Now on to being a rapper.  Let me start by saying I LOVE music. All kinds of music. I will listen to ANYTHING and have very few artists/genres I refuse to listen to. I love it all. My favorite (99% of the time because my taste fluxuates by the day sometimes) is rap. I love it for the play on words. The rhyming (or poetry. As you can tell I enjoy that from previous posts).  The way that you can say whatever the fuck you  want and hundreds of thousands of people will cheer. Again, it is also a lavish lifestyle, but this is the one dream job that I wouldn’t care as much about the money. Rhyming/poetry is my favorite form of expression. It is also the only dream job that  I still have a shot at living out, however unlikely it is.

As for being an athlete, one of the hardest days of my life was the day my football career ended. I was a senior in HS. I didn’t get injured and end my “career” that way. I’m just 5’7″ that isn’t very fast and kind of stocky. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. I still go to my brother’s games and have a hard time the first few games watching these kids play.  I love high school  football though. In my opinion, it is the purest sport that is played. The love and heart that goes out under the lights every Friday night is 2nd to none. I miss that. I miss the smell that is in the air in early September when you walk out onto that field. I miss it so much and wish I could have played more than  just 10 years.

I am trying to work my way into coaching now. I am currently helping with the scoreboard at games and filling in on away broadcasts.  I will always be around the sport, but it’s just not the  same as playing.

Well, that’s all I have for today.  The kids were watching tv and I was incredibly bored. Time to put them to bed. I hope you liked the little lighthearted look into my life.